To: Brad Blackstone
From: Syafiq Bashir
Date: September 21, 2016
Subject: Syafiq’s self introduction
Dear Brad,
My name is Syafiq. I am currently studying telematics and i'm a student in your of Technical Communications TLM1010 class.I am writing to introduce and share a little bit more about myself.
I graduated from Nanyang Polytechnic in 2014 with a diploma in Electronics ,Computer and Communications Engineering.I served national service from 2014 to 2016 in the army.
One of my favourite pastimes would be watching UFC which stands for Ultimate Fighting Championship.I enjoy observing the strategy that fighters use in order to overcome their opponents.To introduce and share a little misconception of fighting would be that the bigger and stronger person would always win.As a UFC fan I would say that the more skillful and better strategic fighter would most likely win.I also enjoy exercising by playing sports such as soccer and sepak takraw.
I chose to study Telematics as it is a relatively new and exciting field.My goal upon graduation will be to pursue a challenging and meaningful career that would have a positive impact on our society.
I look forward on attending the technical communication module classes as i believe it will improve my communication skills.
Yours Sincerely,
Syafiq Bashir
Commented on Karthig,Sheryl and Boris blog.
Edited on 30/09/2016
Commented on Karthig,Sheryl and Boris blog.
Edited on 30/09/2016
Dear Syafiq,
ReplyDeleteI believe that you would have what it takes to get a meaningful career that would make a positive impact on our society. It would be good if you can tell us your goals for studying telematics and also your aim for the future.
Regards,
Jia Wei
Dear Jia Wei,
DeleteThank you for the compliment.I have made changes on my email based on your feedback.
Regards,
Syafiq
Dear Syafiq,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your email, I have a clearer understanding of your interest and aspirations. However, I feel that your e-mail has room for improvement. Watch out for grammar and punctuation mistakes. Let's help each other out to improve our communication skills!
Regards,
Zakirah
Dear Zakirah,
DeleteThank you for reviewing my email.After reading my email multiple times i have managed to find and rectify some of the grammar and punctuation mistakes.
Regards,
Syafiq
Thank you, Syafiq, for sharing about yourself in this introductory letter. It's informative so we learn not just about your study areas and background but something about your hobbies and interests, including UFC (whose worldwide popularity never ceases to amaze me). As for sports, it's interesting that you play sepak takraw. Is that still something you participate in? Doesn't SIT have a club for that?
ReplyDeleteAll in all, you seem to be quite well rounded.
There are a few language issues to take note of in this post:
1) capitalization: Introduction, Telematics, i
2) sentence structure:
--- (run on/comma splice) I think a common misconception of fighting is that the bigger and stronger person would always win,however as a UFC fan....
--- ...to introduce and share a little ....
3) spelling: the planing
4) One of my favourite pastime >>> One of my favourite pastimeS
5) verb issues (tense):
--- I choose to study ...
--- ...it would improve...
--- ...upon graduation we would be equipped....
6) some general sloppiness: inconsistent use of caps and paragraphing
Let's work on this. I appreciate your effort!
Dear Brad,
DeleteThank you for taking the time to review my email.I still play sepak takraw however its infrequent and usually on the weekends.SIT does not have a sepak takraw club.
As for the language issues I have made the necessary changes based on your feedback.
Thank you.
Regards,
Syafiq